I wrote this myself, although, in the spirit of CollegeHumor's "found" Facebook material, I'm gonna go ahead and pretend that this is an actual transcript between real people. The names have obviously been removed to protect the stupid...although I guess the intern character, in spirit, would be me...so yeah, we'll go with stupid.
HACK 1: Yeah, so I've got an idea for a column.
HACK 2: Oh yeah?
HACK 1: Basically, it's gonna be a lot of cliches about sex and drinking, with the occasional 1980s pop culture reference thrown in for no good reason.
HACK 2: Well, if Family Guy has taught us anything, that's comedy!
INTERN: Hey, I've got an idea for my first article, huh?
HACK 1: Oh yeah?
INTERN: I'm going to write a satirical piece about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's reaction to American students' tendencies to use social networking sites in a misguided attempt at bringing about social change.
HACK 2: What the fuck are you talking about?
INTERN: You know, I want to use comedy to make a statement about meaningful events. Haven't you ever listened to Bill Hicks?
HACK 1: Who?
INTERN: Bill Hicks, American comedian, died of cancer at a young age?
HACK 2: Oh, you mean that new Judd Apatow movie, the one with Adam Sandler?
INTERN: No, I'm not talking about another one of his movies which says absolutely nothing and has the same fucking actors in every fucking one of them! Including his annoying fucking wife and his stupid fucking kids! Bill Hicks!?!? The dark poet!?!? Randy-Pan the Goat Boy!?!?
HACK 1: Never heard of him.
HACK 2: Me neither.
INTERN: So, is my column idea any good?
HACK 1: Well, I like the general idea of social networking sites, our highly intelligent readers can relate to those.
HACK 2: Yeah, make it a Facebook page for a box of condoms!
HACK 1: And throw in some references to Tetris!
HACK 2: And Paperboy!
INTERN: What about Ahmadinejad?
HACKS 1 & 2: Who?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Bro, have you heard of Kings of Leon, man?
If you, like me, have been a human being for the past year or so, at some point, no doubt, somebody has come up to you, probably after a few beers or a joint or something, and said something similar to the following:
"Yo, dude, have you ever listened to Kings of Leon? They rock pretty heavy, bro."
Fuck Kings of Leon. Fuck them and their bandwagon dickhead fans. I hate everything about them, especially the way their fans like to abbreviate the band's name "KoL." Fuck that. You suck too much to get an abbreviation. If they don't call the E Street Band "EsB," then there's no way in hell you get an abbreviation.
Anyways, when people ask if I've heard of Kings of Leon, it bothers me. As someone who follows music fairly closely (like a peeping tom, generally from a few hundred yards away with a pair of binoculars), I've known about Kings of Leon since their 2003 debut album, Youth and Young Manhood. It wasn't particularly my cup of tea, but judging by their appearance and the second single off the album, "Molly's Chambers," they had potential. Enough of my blathering, I believe this early appearance by the band on Letterman will make my point:
You can see from the clip why I had hope for the band's future. They seemed like a bunch of generally well-intentioned weirdos with bad 70s haircuts and jackets playing simple, catchy garage rock.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I followed the band all that closely, mostly because, as far as eccentrics playing 60s and 70s tinged garage rock, Jack White was crushing it at the time. Anyways, sometime in 2008, Kings of Leon released their fourth album, Only by the Night. Given the hype surrounding the record, one would expect that the Kings had finally fulfilled the promise suggested in their debut, having possibly added a few influences, tightened up the songwriting, maybe thrown in a marimba or two for good measure. But no. If selling out had a soundtrack, it would be Only by the Night. The album reeks of corporate influence.
First of all, Kings of Leon's whole schtick seems to be that they're southern men, trying to be good, upstanding Christians while surrounded by the temptations of the rock and roll lifestyle. I hate to break it to you, fellas, but this crap is played out, having been executed far more effectively by Lynyrd Skynyrd, the Allman Brothers Band, and more recently, Ludacris.
The songs are atrocious, as well. The lead riff of "Sex on Fire" could probably be played by the drummer from Def Leppard. That's not an indictment of good, simple rock songs, but if you're gonna throw in a lead riff, it should probably not sound like a synth line from an Usher song. Of course, the music would be bad enough in and of itself if you spoke Portuguese or something and were unable to make out the lyrics, which are laughably terrible. This is the sort of vague, paint-by-numbers crap that embodies both a surefire hit and the end of decent music as we know it. You could use somebody, huh? Well I could use somebody to puncture my eardrums so I don't have to listen to any more of your cliched claptrap.
I'm surprised more people haven't jumped on Kings of Leon for being the sellouts they are. I mean, Green Day took a bunch of crap for American Idiot. Granted, the band's presentation of the album was a desperate cry for attention from 14 year olds (despite the fact that they released what was ostensibly a political record and 14 year olds can't vote), from the guyliner to the red, white and black outfits (Jack White was pissed), to the arena-rock theatrics. At the end of the day, though, American Idiot had a message, even if it was the sort of oversimplified vilification of George W. Bush that wouldn't be out of place being sponsored by the letter "F" on Sesame Street. What exactly is Kings of Leon trying to tell us? Sex is on fire? We all could use somebody? Wow, fellas. Real earth-shattering stuff.
I'll leave you with two very simple indictments of Kings of Leon. Firstly, in a recent issue of Rolling Stone, Will.i.am said they, "saved rock and roll." So, Kings of Leon saved rock and roll, according to the man who almost single-handedly destroyed pop music. High praise. Secondly, just try and picture Lionel Richie singing the lyrics, "Yeah, this sex is on fire." You can't do it, can you? And if a band's lyrics are too embarrassing for Lionel Richie to sing, should you really be listening to them at all?
"Yo, dude, have you ever listened to Kings of Leon? They rock pretty heavy, bro."
Fuck Kings of Leon. Fuck them and their bandwagon dickhead fans. I hate everything about them, especially the way their fans like to abbreviate the band's name "KoL." Fuck that. You suck too much to get an abbreviation. If they don't call the E Street Band "EsB," then there's no way in hell you get an abbreviation.
Anyways, when people ask if I've heard of Kings of Leon, it bothers me. As someone who follows music fairly closely (like a peeping tom, generally from a few hundred yards away with a pair of binoculars), I've known about Kings of Leon since their 2003 debut album, Youth and Young Manhood. It wasn't particularly my cup of tea, but judging by their appearance and the second single off the album, "Molly's Chambers," they had potential. Enough of my blathering, I believe this early appearance by the band on Letterman will make my point:
You can see from the clip why I had hope for the band's future. They seemed like a bunch of generally well-intentioned weirdos with bad 70s haircuts and jackets playing simple, catchy garage rock.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I followed the band all that closely, mostly because, as far as eccentrics playing 60s and 70s tinged garage rock, Jack White was crushing it at the time. Anyways, sometime in 2008, Kings of Leon released their fourth album, Only by the Night. Given the hype surrounding the record, one would expect that the Kings had finally fulfilled the promise suggested in their debut, having possibly added a few influences, tightened up the songwriting, maybe thrown in a marimba or two for good measure. But no. If selling out had a soundtrack, it would be Only by the Night. The album reeks of corporate influence.
First of all, Kings of Leon's whole schtick seems to be that they're southern men, trying to be good, upstanding Christians while surrounded by the temptations of the rock and roll lifestyle. I hate to break it to you, fellas, but this crap is played out, having been executed far more effectively by Lynyrd Skynyrd, the Allman Brothers Band, and more recently, Ludacris.
The songs are atrocious, as well. The lead riff of "Sex on Fire" could probably be played by the drummer from Def Leppard. That's not an indictment of good, simple rock songs, but if you're gonna throw in a lead riff, it should probably not sound like a synth line from an Usher song. Of course, the music would be bad enough in and of itself if you spoke Portuguese or something and were unable to make out the lyrics, which are laughably terrible. This is the sort of vague, paint-by-numbers crap that embodies both a surefire hit and the end of decent music as we know it. You could use somebody, huh? Well I could use somebody to puncture my eardrums so I don't have to listen to any more of your cliched claptrap.
I'm surprised more people haven't jumped on Kings of Leon for being the sellouts they are. I mean, Green Day took a bunch of crap for American Idiot. Granted, the band's presentation of the album was a desperate cry for attention from 14 year olds (despite the fact that they released what was ostensibly a political record and 14 year olds can't vote), from the guyliner to the red, white and black outfits (Jack White was pissed), to the arena-rock theatrics. At the end of the day, though, American Idiot had a message, even if it was the sort of oversimplified vilification of George W. Bush that wouldn't be out of place being sponsored by the letter "F" on Sesame Street. What exactly is Kings of Leon trying to tell us? Sex is on fire? We all could use somebody? Wow, fellas. Real earth-shattering stuff.
I'll leave you with two very simple indictments of Kings of Leon. Firstly, in a recent issue of Rolling Stone, Will.i.am said they, "saved rock and roll." So, Kings of Leon saved rock and roll, according to the man who almost single-handedly destroyed pop music. High praise. Secondly, just try and picture Lionel Richie singing the lyrics, "Yeah, this sex is on fire." You can't do it, can you? And if a band's lyrics are too embarrassing for Lionel Richie to sing, should you really be listening to them at all?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
"Dunder-Mifflin, This is Pam"
A couple of thoughts on the World Series. Firstly, let me just say that, although I am not a Yankee fan, any day in which the cities of Boston and Philadelphia are forced to suck it is a very good day. However, were the Phillies to have won, New York would have been forced to suck it, which also would have made for a very good day. In all honesty, most cities contain sports fans who are complete morons. Even as a Bills fan, I'll admit, if you search on YouTube for "Bills fan jackass," you'll probably find more hours worth of entertainment than in an entire season of actual Bills football.
Nevertheless, Yankee fans are morons. I heard a Yankee fan say after the game, "Everybody doubted us." Yeah, the franchise with a $208 million payroll that fielded a virtual all-star team and made every move in the off-season short of bringing Joe DiMaggio back to life. Fuck you. You know who everybody doubted? The Pittsburgh Pirates. Because they suck.
On the subject of payroll, however, Philly fans, like Boston fans, really need to shut the fuck up. Oh, the Yankees spend so much money, how can we ever defeat them. You're right, Philly fans. How dare the Yankees buy their ace from a small market team like the Cleveland Indians. Of course, any good Phillies fan will remember when Cliff Lee, Pedro Martinez, and Pedro Feliz played together in the minors for the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Oh, wait, they didn't? You mean the Phillies bought these players off of other teams just like every other large market franchise? Look, if you're a fan of the Kansas City Royals, bitch to me about payroll. Having a huge payroll is a lot like having a huge dick. It's helpful, but you gotta know what to do with it, too. After all, you could be the Mets.
And, finally, while we're on the subject, to hell with Jay-Z too. Fuck him. He's an "entrepreneur" now. Yes, Jay-Z, you're a true "Renaissance Man." That'll make up for the fact that you've released maybe two good records in the last decade and became a shill for Budweiser. I guess in life there are some people that just bother you, and for me, Jay-Z is one of those people. And this is despite the fact that "99 Problems" might be my favorite song of all time. I read somewhere that Jay-Z wants to be the new Frank Sinatra. Which is fitting, I guess, because even though I thought Frank Sinatra was a cocksucker, "New York, New York," is a fantastic song. Jay-Z and Frank Sinatra. Two huge douchebags. Two terrific songs. So that settles it, somebody mash up "99 Problems" with "New York, New York."
Nevertheless, Yankee fans are morons. I heard a Yankee fan say after the game, "Everybody doubted us." Yeah, the franchise with a $208 million payroll that fielded a virtual all-star team and made every move in the off-season short of bringing Joe DiMaggio back to life. Fuck you. You know who everybody doubted? The Pittsburgh Pirates. Because they suck.
On the subject of payroll, however, Philly fans, like Boston fans, really need to shut the fuck up. Oh, the Yankees spend so much money, how can we ever defeat them. You're right, Philly fans. How dare the Yankees buy their ace from a small market team like the Cleveland Indians. Of course, any good Phillies fan will remember when Cliff Lee, Pedro Martinez, and Pedro Feliz played together in the minors for the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Oh, wait, they didn't? You mean the Phillies bought these players off of other teams just like every other large market franchise? Look, if you're a fan of the Kansas City Royals, bitch to me about payroll. Having a huge payroll is a lot like having a huge dick. It's helpful, but you gotta know what to do with it, too. After all, you could be the Mets.
And, finally, while we're on the subject, to hell with Jay-Z too. Fuck him. He's an "entrepreneur" now. Yes, Jay-Z, you're a true "Renaissance Man." That'll make up for the fact that you've released maybe two good records in the last decade and became a shill for Budweiser. I guess in life there are some people that just bother you, and for me, Jay-Z is one of those people. And this is despite the fact that "99 Problems" might be my favorite song of all time. I read somewhere that Jay-Z wants to be the new Frank Sinatra. Which is fitting, I guess, because even though I thought Frank Sinatra was a cocksucker, "New York, New York," is a fantastic song. Jay-Z and Frank Sinatra. Two huge douchebags. Two terrific songs. So that settles it, somebody mash up "99 Problems" with "New York, New York."
Sunday, October 25, 2009
"Alright, Alright, Settle Down, One at a Time."
Yanno, if I had an affair with Steve Phillips, I probably would just go ahead and keep that to myself.
It's a shame ESPN fired his ass, though. Who else is going to hold fake press conferences pretending to be various MLB GMs?
Blog 2: Electric Boogaloo
Basically, I'm gonna write stuff here. If any of you bothered reading my short-lived old blog, Catching Predators, it'll be kinda like that. In fact, it would be exactly like that and on the exact same page had I not forgotten the password and the password to the email address to which the password help was sent.
Here's the deal, I'm basically gonna put my stand-up in written form here as well as responses to the news, satirical pieces, stuff like that. There won't be anything about what I ate for breakfast or how I feel about that cute girl I do stand-up with or anything like that because, quite frankly, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. You want that crap, go read somebody's LiveJournal, if that's still around. By the way, I once had a LiveJournal. I used it to write satirical news pieces, my favorite of which contained a Law & Order script in which Ronald McDonald was arrested for raping Birdie the Early Bird and tried to frame Grimace (who would have probably gotten off by reason of mental disease or defect). As you can tell, I had some strange fuckin' thoughts for an 18-year-old. Anyways, read it or don't. It's mostly just here so I can keep my stand-up in order and to ensure that, should anything happen to me, I've at least left some incoherent ramblings behind.
Here's the deal, I'm basically gonna put my stand-up in written form here as well as responses to the news, satirical pieces, stuff like that. There won't be anything about what I ate for breakfast or how I feel about that cute girl I do stand-up with or anything like that because, quite frankly, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. You want that crap, go read somebody's LiveJournal, if that's still around. By the way, I once had a LiveJournal. I used it to write satirical news pieces, my favorite of which contained a Law & Order script in which Ronald McDonald was arrested for raping Birdie the Early Bird and tried to frame Grimace (who would have probably gotten off by reason of mental disease or defect). As you can tell, I had some strange fuckin' thoughts for an 18-year-old. Anyways, read it or don't. It's mostly just here so I can keep my stand-up in order and to ensure that, should anything happen to me, I've at least left some incoherent ramblings behind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)