"Dunder-Mifflin, This is Pam"

A couple of thoughts on the World Series. Firstly, let me just say that, although I am not a Yankee fan, any day in which the cities of Boston and Philadelphia are forced to suck it is a very good day. However, were the Phillies to have won, New York would have been forced to suck it, which also would have made for a very good day. In all honesty, most cities contain sports fans who are complete morons. Even as a Bills fan, I'll admit, if you search on YouTube for "Bills fan jackass," you'll probably find more hours worth of entertainment than in an entire season of actual Bills football.

Nevertheless, Yankee fans are morons. I heard a Yankee fan say after the game, "Everybody doubted us." Yeah, the franchise with a $208 million payroll that fielded a virtual all-star team and made every move in the off-season short of bringing Joe DiMaggio back to life. Fuck you. You know who everybody doubted? The Pittsburgh Pirates. Because they suck.

On the subject of payroll, however, Philly fans, like Boston fans, really need to shut the fuck up. Oh, the Yankees spend so much money, how can we ever defeat them. You're right, Philly fans. How dare the Yankees buy their ace from a small market team like the Cleveland Indians. Of course, any good Phillies fan will remember when Cliff Lee, Pedro Martinez, and Pedro Feliz played together in the minors for the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Oh, wait, they didn't? You mean the Phillies bought these players off of other teams just like every other large market franchise? Look, if you're a fan of the Kansas City Royals, bitch to me about payroll. Having a huge payroll is a lot like having a huge dick. It's helpful, but you gotta know what to do with it, too. After all, you could be the Mets.

And, finally, while we're on the subject, to hell with Jay-Z too. Fuck him. He's an "entrepreneur" now. Yes, Jay-Z, you're a true "Renaissance Man." That'll make up for the fact that you've released maybe two good records in the last decade and became a shill for Budweiser. I guess in life there are some people that just bother you, and for me, Jay-Z is one of those people. And this is despite the fact that "99 Problems" might be my favorite song of all time. I read somewhere that Jay-Z wants to be the new Frank Sinatra. Which is fitting, I guess, because even though I thought Frank Sinatra was a cocksucker, "New York, New York," is a fantastic song. Jay-Z and Frank Sinatra. Two huge douchebags. Two terrific songs. So that settles it, somebody mash up "99 Problems" with "New York, New York."

"Alright, Alright, Settle Down, One at a Time."

Yanno, if I had an affair with Steve Phillips, I probably would just go ahead and keep that to myself.

It's a shame ESPN fired his ass, though. Who else is going to hold fake press conferences pretending to be various MLB GMs?

Blog 2: Electric Boogaloo

Basically, I'm gonna write stuff here. If any of you bothered reading my short-lived old blog, Catching Predators, it'll be kinda like that. In fact, it would be exactly like that and on the exact same page had I not forgotten the password and the password to the email address to which the password help was sent.

Here's the deal, I'm basically gonna put my stand-up in written form here as well as responses to the news, satirical pieces, stuff like that. There won't be anything about what I ate for breakfast or how I feel about that cute girl I do stand-up with or anything like that because, quite frankly, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. You want that crap, go read somebody's LiveJournal, if that's still around. By the way, I once had a LiveJournal. I used it to write satirical news pieces, my favorite of which contained a Law & Order script in which Ronald McDonald was arrested for raping Birdie the Early Bird and tried to frame Grimace (who would have probably gotten off by reason of mental disease or defect). As you can tell, I had some strange fuckin' thoughts for an 18-year-old. Anyways, read it or don't. It's mostly just here so I can keep my stand-up in order and to ensure that, should anything happen to me, I've at least left some incoherent ramblings behind.